Welcome to this fun series!! 

PSA ** This is not a personal ad… unless of course it’s working. 😉 **

Alright, let’s get serious people. 

There are four main factors in the early stages of dating that will be discussed here today. 

  • The Approach
  • Societal Pressures 
  • Red Light / Green Light 
  • The Connection 

These four factors are crucial seeing as they will make or break a connection.

Let’s dive in. 

The Approach 

There are exactly two approaches. The first being how one approaches the idea of dating. The Second is the approach in the physical.

Mindset 

Ask yourself, ‘how do I feel about dating?’ 

Did you sigh heavily, roll your eyes, scoff at the idea, perhaps laugh uncontrollably? Or, did you smile, seem excited even? The way you feel about a challenge in life is the way your energy will project and furthermore attract activity into your life. Dating is no exception to the rule. Now you cannot control other people’s minds, actions, or intentions, but if you jump into the dating pool with an already negative mindset, you cannot expect to have the greatest results. 

What is your perception on dating based on your experience, and are you able to remove yourself from it? Have some good bamboozling moments left you sour? It happens. To all of us. One of the hardest things to do is to let it go. To ride through the trauma wave, feel it, heal from it, and try again. 

Dating should be fun. Getting to know someone and going on dates is fun. Connecting with someone and feeling alive is, well, FUN. It shouldn’t feel like a daunting, stressful, monstrous task. It shouldn’t drag you down and deplete you. 

When you approach dating with the mentality of ‘I am excited to attract love into my life,’ or ‘I’m ecstatic to meet someone new that I can totally connect with,’ you’re going to attract a more positive outcome. You should feel genuine excitement, otherwise my friend, you’re simply not ready. 

You have to let go of any self-doubt and insecurities. You are the only person you will spend your entire life with, so be nice to yourself. Let go of all expectations too, ‘oh they have to be like this,’ ‘look like this,’ yada yada… Free your mind and attract the love you truly deserve. Stop putting up roadblocks in your mind. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if they look like a supermodel, or are if they are a ‘man in finance, 6’5, trust fund, blue eyes,’ if they genuinely care for you and would move mountains just to see your face light up. And you won’t know that unless you give it a true and fair chance, and get a little vulnerable, establish some trust. AND TRY. 

The Physical 

How do you approach your love interest? Or, should I be asking, DO YOU APPROACH your love interest? Ahh, got some of you there. I totally get it, because I am not somebody that approaches. When I say that, I don’t mean to say that women should never be the one to approach. Personally, I am not generally one to approach due to my own personal experience and preference, and maybe that’s something that I could work on in the future. However, this is about YOU. Kidding, of course. It’s about us all. 

Ask yourself ‘what steps have I taken that have worked in my favor, and what steps did not?’ Why do you think that is? Take a deep breath because this should not feel like you’re looking at a board of a crime scene connecting red strings and pins together. First, was your mindset in a good place? Second, exactly what organ was leading your decision making? What exactly did you do? Did you slide into the DMS? Did you strike up a conversation in person? Did you smile? Did you do … nothing? 

I think a lot of times we hold ourselves back out of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of looking stupid, fear of being vulnerable, fear of getting hurt…again. Do it anyways. Sometimes, you are going to get rejected. Do it anyways. There are certainly going to be times that you feel stupid. Do it anyways. You are absolutely going to feel waves of pain throughout the rest of your life. So, DO IT ANYWAYS. Healing isn’t linear. Sometimes the only way to work through triggers, old and new, is to put yourself in uncomfortable situations. The only thing holding back out of fear will do for you, is hinder your personal growth and development and delay your future achievements. Most people, with or without a good poker face, are just as, if not than more, nervous than you. Keep that in mind before you throw in the towel. 

Societal Pressures

Too early on there is so much applied pressure in dating. Some of these pressure inducing factors can lead to absolute destruction before anything ever unfolds. 

  • Dating Apps – Endless supply. Lack of authenticity. Not knowing if it was fate that you met, was it a little superficial, or are you forcing a destiny to happen.  
  • Social Media – Competition and FOMO. Keeping up with ‘the Jones’.’
  • Social Status – Worrying about appearance. Unrealistic expectations. 
  • Outside Opinions –  Seeking outside validation. Inviting unnecessary voices into something that should be private and intimate and between two people. 

Red Light / Green Light 

It is important to not apply relationship expectations on someone that you’re dating, because you should just be spending quality time learning each other’s language without having the interruption of outside opinions, to see if it’s going to be a good match. You should be open to hearing an opinion or two because you don’t want to be completely blindsided, and these days you have to be oh so careful, however, opinions are just that, opinions. Something that isn’t a complete fact and you shouldn’t let that control your movements. With that being said I have compiled a list of red flags and of green flags to be on alert of as you navigate through dating and relationships. 

Red Flags: 

  • You don’t feel like a priority, but perhaps an option or task. 
  • You feel like you have to sage your space after an interaction.
  • You feel like your energy is depleted.
  • You’re emotions and opinions are disregarded. 
  • Your body screams at you that something is off. 
  • You feel like you have to walk on eggshells and cannot share certain bits of information, or ask for what you want because you will be scorned or judged.
  • You don’t feel celebrated. 
  • You don’t feel heard or listened to. 
  • You start to care too much about your appearance to the point that you lose sight of what really matters, or you stop caring entirely. 
  • Arguments lead to revenge seeking or having the upper hand. 
  • You feel more stress than ease.
  • You cannot get a word in because you are being steam rolled. 
  • Your boundaries are being tested or crossed. 

Green Flags: 

  • You feel safe. 
  • You feel seen and heard. 
  • You feel protected. 
  • Both of you feel free to be your own individual person when you are together and away from one another. 
  • Your self-expression is encouraged. 
  • You feel highly respected but not superior. You also don’t feel inferior.
  • You feel like you have a true friend in a partner, that listens. 
  • You feel cared for. 
  • You feel at peace. 
  • Your emotions and opinions are validated and understood.
  • Disagreements are discussed and handled privately. 
  • You feel cherished. 

The connection 

Okay, so you’ve gone through the trials and tribulations and you think you’ve found a good one. 

What now? 

When you cross over from dating to relationship there must be an understanding that you are taking on the responsibility of another human being. Those ‘I’ and ‘Me’ statements become ‘Us,’ and ‘We.’ That person’s emotions, moods, and well-being are your concern. Their language is something that you navigate and learn on a daily basis. When there is a disagreement, there’s no ‘walk away and keep swiping’, unless it’s an absolute dealbreaker, now it’s let’s sit down and discuss, and fix it together.   

Remember, and this sounds so mundane, but the person that you’re with is human (hopefully). They have real feelings that are valid, and they have opinions, and ideas, and past experiences and traumas, and goals and ambitions, and they have dreams of their future. Be vulnerable. Talk. Listen to the things that they say, and the things that they don’t. 

When you are coming together with someone, in a relationship, you are creating a story, that contains chapters (or levels, if you’re a gamer), and sometimes there are only a few short chapters, or there can be many. You won’t know right away. 

The best advice I could ever give is: 

If it’s important and close to your heart, protect it. Protect it. With everything you have, protect it. Don’t leave it where outside forces can break in and steal it. Don’t put it on a shelf until you’re bored. Don’t neglect it. Don’t expose it. Keep it safe. 

Food For Thought 

Something to really think about before you put yourself out there, is ‘what kind of person do I want to be with and would that align with my current lifestyle?’ Also, ‘what kind of person do I want to be, and how does that person show up?’ Then, start showing up as that person in your every day waking life. This is another way to attract positive activity into your life. 

Some questions to start asking yourself: 

  • What makes a good partner in a person and am I showing up in that way? 
  • Am I truly giving it my all and trying my best, or do I have one foot in and one foot out just to be safe? 
  • Could my communication style be better?
  • Can I make any improvements? … Okay, but will I?

Be honest. 

There is so much discussion left to be had here. Message me with any feedback. Your thoughts, perspectives, and questions! 🙂